Fire and Apathy
by brightspark
Summary: SeiferxSquall. Seven deadly sins, balanced by the seven heavenly virtues. Themes: pride, fire, hero worship, sin, and light and dark.


Fuck, I love this man.

Love the fact that no one else has ever touched him. Love the fact that he'd never want anyone else to touch him. Love the ice in his eyes that ignites when I'm close, a fire, an inferno to melt all our impurities away. He can't be ice with me, and I can't be sinful with him.

And my soul is very, very sinful.

I'm proud of myself, proud of everything I've done, in a way. I'm proud that no one but the heroes for hire could bring me down. I'm proud of how much I resisted the sorceress's mind control. I'm proud, for some sick reason, that I was the knight she wanted.

I envy. Of course I envy. I'm jealous of every minute Squall spends in the limelight, their hero, their beloved Lion. Even though I know he hates it, sometimes, I think I hate him for his perfection. He was always good with his blade, and I envied that, too. I'd never have started that stupid rivalry with him if I didn't. If I hadn't been jealous of Squall's sudden status as a new SeeD, maybe I wouldn't have joined the sorceress - I wanted revenge, I wanted to show him I was better. Didn't work, of course.

And I'm prone to anger. We've all seen that. I get so angry that all I see is red; blood red. I can't control my anger, it's a part of me. I guess I'm angry at the way I've been used, fucked over, whatever. And my anger at SeeD, at Garden, at Cid... that was another reason my mistress found it easy to enslave me.

I'm lazy, too, I suppose, though it isn't the greatest of my sins. It's more or less limited to the "I can't be bothered" attitude and keeping Squall in bed 'til past lunchtime. Or not. If I was more dedicated, maybe I would have made SeeD before...

I'm greedy. I'll be the first to admit that I want everything all to myself. I want Squall all to myself, I want him to be mine and only mine, never anyone elses. I want every minute of his time to be spent with me, near me. And more than Squall. I want fame, and I don't want to share it. I want people to know my name, to fear me, even.

Gluttony. It says somewhere about that it doesn't only refer to food, but to entertainment and even the company of others. I suppose Squall comes under that, too, and I always want to "play", not work.

And the last of the deadly sins. Lust. And of course, I lust. Lust for Squall, lust for power - another way the sorceress got to me, of course. Offered me power, riches, whatever I wanted. And Squall.

Seven deadly sins, but Squall brings them to nothing.

And Squall is so damn good, everything he does is right, a virtue. Sometimes it's simple lack of caring about things like power, money, being humilated. My lover isn't prone to over reaction, things don't bother him as they do me. Maybe that's why he's so perfect.

He's humble. He doesn't give a damn about who is better, he isn't proud of his skills in particular. My pride never ground at him, my arrogance never bothered him. It's that damn apathy of his, I suppose, but still, it makes him humble.

Love. Squall loves, much as he tries to hide it. He does things for the good of others. Going out in space after Rinoa, just to save her, without any thought for himself. That's love. He gives things up for others, and asks for nothing in return. It makes me almost sick how much people could take advantage of him and he wouldn't act in revenge - but that's just his apathy again.

Squall is kind. He overlooks people's faults - like my glaringly obvious ones - and he is endlessly patient. He doesn't seem it, but those silences of his are entirely unthreatening. He just waits for me, or anyone else, to get it right.

And he's anything but slothful. Up with the dawn, he works hard to get things right, works day and sometimes night in that office of his, for the good of other people. If he has a goal to reach, he reaches it. Unlike me, who even now can't manage to pass a SeeD exam.

He's generous. He lets other people have the credit and the praise. He tried to say that the victory belonged to everyone else. But I still think the victory sat in his hands, his cool leadership, his quick, clever mind. He doesn't want his fair share, goes a fair way towards ignoring it - apathy again, but his apathy is mostly learned, not a part of him to begin with.

In opposition to greed, there's faith and temperance. While he isn't strictly faithful to any god, real or imagined, he's faithful to people, to a cause. He doesn't put his responsibility aside to chase after dreams, to spend time getting what he wants.

And while he lusts (and there's a touch of pride when I say "for me"), it isn't anything like the lust I have. He doesn't crave things, doesn't covet thing. I truly think he'd give away all his power and influence for a peaceful life.

We cancel each other out; the seven deadly sins balanced against the seven heavenly virtues. His ice, his apathy - well. Alongside my desires, my needs, he melts a little, becomes a little more sinful. And the water from his ice quenches the fire of my soul. Fucking poetical, but I'll be damned if there's any better way to describe our relationship. Our love is a mingling that goes deeper than the surface, a mixing of two perfectly compatible people. My sinful nature mixed with his pure one. Perhaps I should feel guilty for polluting him so, but we fit together so well.

Damn good basis for a relationship, don't you think?

Besides. He's hot. 


End file.
